Tears,regrets,sorrows

Happy New Year everybody!! I when to city hall for my countdown... i had a choice but.. i have to have my own time to think... well.. i did meet up with one of my friend ehsan n his friends... i just hop on with them but after that ard 11 i when my own way... as time ticking to welcome the new born year... i stared up in the sky,searching for the stars... in my heart i noe if there stars... she(zie) will see it too, no matter how far we are or where we are....as i stare... bursting of the fireworks shattered the peaceful sky... its was beautiful...in middle of thousands of stangers..i stand alone...



everysingle blast of the fireworks ,blast me flashbacks...flashback which i try so hard to remove from my mind... i almost fainted... i stood there...the only sound i hear is my silence....i'm so scared... my heart pound so hard,like its trying to ripped it way out of my chest... one year ago... i was hurt bady...really bad...n i cant except it... my life go haywired becos of her... i'm blind...really blind...walaupun aku ditipu terang-terang.....aku tak tahu knape aku sayangkan die walaupun dier hancurkan hati aku... i just can't say 'no'... she simply take tat advantage for her benefits... the year 2008 left me with tears,regrets and sorrows.... sorrow which i still trying to meant... my brain n heart can werk together... my brain hates her ni noe i love zie...

but my heart is confuse...i love zie as how it is... but her....why cant this feeling for her be gone... i simply can't see her or talk to her.. if not this problem of mine will not disappear... but i can't run forever... she's related to me... <> flashes of fear begin to interrupt... i'm freaking worry abt my mum health then mine.... every time i away from home my mum will fell sick.. i'm deeply hurt when my mum was ward for a few weeks during my BMT n i didn't noe... no one in my freakying family tell me...i just afraid losing her... at the same time i worry abt me.. i never been away from home so far so long.... as my 7th resolution was... hope i survive till the next new born year... the doctor don't even noe what sickness it is... as the last fireworks faded away... i make a wish.... i wished 'please don't end my life so soon....even though it filled with misery which noone noe...i can't bare to hurt anyone else or passed my jinx to them...'

i wipe off my tears... give a smile to the stars... n find my way to clark quay... i sat at the steps of the riverside.... i open up my jimbeam n start drinking...follow with a cigarette....flashback still playing in my head over n over again... the pain grew stronger n stronger... looking ard me... people having fun with their friends n all....

aku sedih.. aku tak punyai kawan... selama 6 tahun selepas secondary... hidup aku seorg...memang aku tinggalkan kawan2 aku dulu... kerana alasan yg tertentu.. kalau tk,da lame aku pat penjara... otak aku da berkecemaruk... mcm nk hentak kepala pat tembuk... so i open up another drink,wildturkey... follow with a cigarette.... my mind start to enter lala-land but in a nasty way...

next monday i flying to new zealand... hati aku berat nah ..... aku tk tahu lah mcmane nk tahan rindu aku nie...setakat aku gi stand by je aku rindu nk rak... nie lagi 1-2mth... no phone call lagi... cara nk lepaskn rindu lihat lah bintang...kalau bintang takde tgk bulan....*sob*sob*sob*....

p.s/zie... please don't get upset when u read this post... n i noe u r upset with me... becos not meeting u for countdown.... i promise i make it up to u... i really love you azizun bte jasmani...